


Nutz and Holtz

by KnopePerkins



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: (some) Holtzbert, AU, Childhood, Childrens home, F/F, Holtz runs some classes for kids in the home, Holtzmann's childhood, Like its mentioned, Post-Film, Youth
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-06-11 11:58:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15315012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KnopePerkins/pseuds/KnopePerkins
Summary: This was a fanfiction I discovered buried on my computer from around two years ago/ when I was 16.  I noticed that theres been a holtzbert week or something and thought I'd post this long forgotten fanfiction.Jillian Holtzmann sets up a workshop for kids in her old children's home





	1. Workshop

**Author's Note:**

> This work has been held for over two years and it was inspired by two peoples tumblr posts. At the time I had the links to each of their individual drabbles/ head-cannons they had. However, I can't find either post from either blog on my old tumblr. I believe they may have deleted or changed URL. Unfortunately I can't remember their URLs either but they did give me permission at the time to write this. I'd like to thank them retrospectively for allowing me to use their drabbles as inspiration. If by any chance they read this and would like credit please drop me a message :)
> 
> The work does have other chapters and an ending I believe I planned which was also on the document I found :)
> 
> Update: I found archived posts of the prompts! If you're interested here they are:  
> The Most Important Holtzmann Headcannon- Clintbartonsdog  
> https://web.archive.org/web/20170223113927/http://clintbartonsdog.tumblr.com/post/148868156194/the-most-important-holtzmann-headcanon
> 
> 'I have this head cannon that Holtz wears yellow glasses because she's dyslexic- McKateKinnon  
> http://thebubblegumpirateprincess.tumblr.com/post/148660850976/i-have-this-headcanon-that-holtz-wears-yellow

Jillian Holtzmann’s childhood was unstable. In and out of the system until ultimately becoming too old to remain in government care. Jillian hadn’t changed much throughout the years. She’d always been inventing. At times her own creativity was to her own detriment. Families found her too much; a risk. Too weird, too intense, too her.

 

The staff at Graham Windham children’s home became a form of family to her, they’d allow her to continue with her creations in designated areas. Despite the encouragement, her work wasn’t always appreciated and at times became the black sheep of an ever-changing family body. She hopped that no other child would feel the way she felt.

 

It was actually Erin who suggested she’d run a workshop at the children’s home. With her new credentials as a ghostbuster being in her favour, she’d be able to encourage and provide the resources in order to fully enjoy and experience the world of science and STEM. She made a promise to herself to run the workshops every Sunday. All ages were welcome to join and ability wasn’t important.

 

She took this very seriously. She spent hours planning each workshop to the point Erin had to remind her to eat. She’d offered to help but Holtz politely declined.

 

The first few weeks had run smoothly with the kids enjoying the workshops each time. Some were more enthusiastic than others and some of the older kids eventually trickled out.

 

It wasn’t until one of the weeks when one of the social workers asked if Holtz was willing to take on a new member.

 

“There’s plenty of room and I’ve usually got an extra set anyway.” Jillian smiled

“It’s just that Cerys can be… a lot to handle at times. She’s very energetic.” The social worker frowned

“Is she a hazard? Would she hurt another kid with any of the tools?” Jillian stepped back for a moment, remembering the torment others invoked upon her as a resident.

“No no no.” She quickly shook her head, Holtz let out a relieved sigh. “She can just be quite intense to deal with. She loves this kind of stuff.”

Holtz let out a slightly awkward smile. She suddenly understood what kind of kid she would be dealing with.

“I’ll keep an eye on her today, I promise” she said.

 

Holtz continued setting up each desk with some instructions and a tray of parts. This week they were going to build an elastic band powered vehicle. Holtz originally suggested having it powered by a motor but Erin talked her out of it

“Because you can’t give a 6 year old a soldering iron Holtzmann”

 

The kids trickled in, the usual suspects taking each of their seats and chatting amongst themselves, or in the case of two young boys arguing over what game character was better. The social worker from earlier guided in a small girl with messy brown hair who was beaming to be included. Holtzmann walked over to the tall woman and the small child.

 

“This is Cerys. She’s promised me that she’ll be on her best behaviour and not cause havoc” they both looked down to the girl

“I promise” Her smile disappeared slightly, shame started to come into play. Holtzmann croutched down to her level and extended her arm.

“Well Cerys, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Jillian Holtzmann. But you can call me Holtz” She smiled.

Cerys shook her hand “What are we making today Holtz?” her smile came back

 

She lead the girl to a free table and got the class started. She hopped about from table to table and eventually to the masking tape race track on the floor as the kids tested their vehicles. As the class progressed she went over to Cerys who was still working hard. She’d fallen behind the others. She could see the girl losing hope and her smile had fully disappeared.

 

Holtz sat next to Cerys. The girl didn’t look up from her creation.  “What’s wrong Cerys?”

“Michael stole my elastic bands and snapped them all” She explained quietly. She held her head low.

“Oh.” She replied in a hushed tone she looked to the other who were all racing each other. “I have some more. Come up to my desk and I’ll help you fit them.” She kept looking at Cerys hoping for some form of eye contact from the girl. She thought she spotted a small smile re-appear on her face.

“Thank you” She said quietly.

 

As promised she helped the small girl fit the bands to her vehicle. Holtz lead her over to the race track and encouraged her to test it out.

“Watch out the Frankenstein is about to let rip” one of the other children laughed. The crowd laughed too. Cerys looked around at them all and back to her creation. Finally settling her eyes onto Holtz. Out of her depth slightly she chose to smile and give a re-assuring shoulder pat to the girl.

 

She lined it all up and pulled it back as far as she could. The other kids stood back and observed the girl’s methods. Holtzmann stood back anxiously hoping none of the others would ruin it for her. As she released it the car sped away much faster than any of the other kids. They were all amazed until it went crashing into the wall, leaving marks and a notable dent in the wall.

 

“Of course, she’d destroy it. She’s basically a mad scientist.” Another kid muttered. Evoking laughter amongst his friends.

 

Cerys looked distraught she ran over to her model and picked it up gently and placed it on the table. Holtz followed observing the dent in the wall. The bang attracted another social worker to come in and investigate. They saw the dent and Cerys looking guilty and quickly escorted the other children out of the room.

 

“I’m sorry she’s ruined this workshop for you Jillian.” She looked to Holtz “Cerys what was our promise?” She looked sharply to the girl

“To be good” She replied timidly.

“And what have you done?” The social worker continued. Cerys looked like she was on the brink of tears.

“Actually, it was my fault Miss…?”

“Broad”

“Miss Broad. I put on extra elastic bands and didn’t put a protective crash wall at the end.” She looked to Cerys and gave a little smile.

“Jillian, she always does something like this.” Miss Broad sighed. “She’s destructive. I don’t think her being included in this programme was a good idea.” She furrowed her brow and rubbed her fingers up and down the bridge of her nose.

“It really wasn’t her fault. Hers was the best out of everyone’s. It was aerodynamic and managed to retain speed. The only limiting factor was the length of the track. I didn’t plan for anyone to be able to reach the speeds she did.” Holtzmann looked to Cerys who had started to hide behind the blonde. “The only flaw was the controlled element which I hadn’t taught them about. It’s on me Miss Broad.”

 

Jillian stood there for a moment as Miss Broad took in her plea. She could feel Cerys anxiously waiting behind her. Anticipating a punishment.

 

“Well, there’s still a dent in the wall.” Miss Broad looked over. “Cerys. Help Ms Holtzmann clean up. We’ll have the dent conversation later.” She emphasised the latter part of her sentence. Cerys moved as close as she could to Holtz, using her as a barrier. She held onto her overalls.

 

“I’m sorry.” Cerys called as the woman left. She felt Holtz’s arm go around her shoulder as the door closed loudly.

 

Cerys let go of Holtz realising what she had been doing. She began to push the other chairs in avoiding eye contact with Holtz.

 

“Cerys sit down for a moment.” Holtz requested gently. Her voice was calm and relaxed.

“Are you going to yell at me?” She sat down reluctantly. She made herself as small as possible.

“What? No no no of course not” She smiled at the girl as she pulled a chair to sit opposite to her. “I wanted to ask what kind of things do you usually make?”

The girl finally looked up to Holtz. “recently I’ve been trying to make a robot.”

“A robot? What kind?”

“A friendly one.” Cerys big beaming smile returned, as did Holtzmann’s “I’m trying to make it display text. I got told off for taking apart my alarm clock and using its parts to create it.”

“What inspired you to make it?”

“It’s a friend”

Holtz felt the words hit heavy. She realised the other kids really didn’t like her.  Holtz bit the bullet.

“Do they make fun of you often?” Holtz leaned closer and made sure Cerys didn’t just look away and fall silent.

“It’s not that big of a deal. I’m the littlest. I’m 7.” She explained sadly.

“Well next week you can stay by me and I’ll make sure they don’t take your things. Okay?”

“I’m allowed back next week?” Cerys eyes started to twinkle.

“Yes, if-“  She paused and smiled down at Cerys. “If you show me the robot you’ve been making after class. I’d love to see it”

Cerys smile grew and she hugged Holtz tightly screaming thank you over and over.

“I’ll be on my best behaviour.” Cerys smiled as she made her way to the door. “No more dents.”

“No more dents” Holtzmann replied.  

 


	2. Robots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As promised heres the continuation:
> 
> Cerys is upset over her robot and Holtz does her best (with some help from Erin)

Jillian walked back into the fire house and dropped her coat by the door. She re-adjusted the boxes of parts and carried them back to the second floor. She threw the spare parts into some of the bins and desk tidies, which Erin had nicely labelled and organised for her. She sat and decided to try plan for the following week.

 

Whilst Holtz was deeply focused in her work when Erin appeared with a cup of coffee and a small can of pringles. As she set them down beside her girlfriend she draped her arms around her and gave her a small kiss on her temple to bring her back to reality. She knew how hard it could be to go back to places that provided someone with years of torment. Holtz leaned back into Erin in response she gave a small smile.

 

“How was your workshop today?”

“It was alright, it had to end earlier though” Holtz sighed.

“Why? What happened? Did someone get hurt?” Erin became panicked, she sat beside Holtz at her desk.

“Erin don’t worry everyone’s fine.” She smiled reassuringly to her anxious girlfriend. “We just had an incident with a particularly fast vehicle and a very weak wall.”

“Holtz! I told you if you were going to be allowing the kids to hit speeds like that you’d have to put something down.” Erin tried to look serious but she gathered there was more to it.

“I didn’t expect anyone to reach that speed. Only Cerys did.” Holtz looked to Erin. “She’s very smart. It’s a shame the other kids… you know.”

 

Erin knew. She painfully knew. She placed one hand on Holtz’s thigh and allowed her to rest her head on her shoulder. “I’m sure she loved the workshop though”

 

//

 

The next week rolled around. This week she’d planned for them all to make a variety of circuits. As Holtz was setting up she heard the door open slowly behind her to reveal a slightly tearful Cerys. Her head hung low as she held something damaged in your hand.

 

“Holtzy…” Cerys sniffed. “I can’t show you my robot” Tears formed in her eyes and began to spill onto her cheeks. Holtz closed the door behind Cerys and knelt in front of her

“What happened here?” She gently observed the broken invention

“Someone broke my-my robot” Tears were free flowing down the young girls face. Holtz gently took the remains of her robot from her hands and placed it on the floor next to her. She caught the girls tears in a small tissue she found in her pocket.

“It’s okay, I’m sure it was a great robot” she frowned

“It’s not fair. I won’t be allowed to make another one and because I can’t show you my robot. I’m sorry” She sobbed harder

“Don’t be sorry.” Holtz dabbed the girl’s cheeks with the tissue for the final time and smiled softly “I’m sure we can figure out how to make a new one”

Cerys finally let out a tearful smile.

“Can I help you set up?”

 

The workshop worked in a similar way to the one a week prior. Cerys stayed close to Holtz this time in attempts of avoiding the harsh comments from the other children. Cerys decided she wanted a challenge. With the circuits Holtzmann provided for the kids, she decided to try make a lie detector. As Holtz helped the other kids close their circuits Cerys asked some of the other kids to try out her test.

Michael walked up to her test and placed his hand around the clip.

“I think people like you here Cerys”

The light flashed up as a false. A lie. Cerys eyes began to water with anger.

Cerys scrunched up her fists and furrowed her brow in attempts of looking as intimidating as possible. Her actions were undermined by her own tears collecting in her eyes, blurring her vision.

 

“That’s not what I made this for!” She exclaimed

“What did you make it for then Frankenstein?”

Cerys didn’t know how to reply, she felt anger burn inside of her. How could they be so mean. Perhaps she shouldn’t have even made the lie detector. It would be very hard to prove the validity of the results anyway. She felt her peers’ eyes on her now. Expecting a reaction.

“I made it to spot lies. Not for meanies” Cerys attempted to remain calm. She knew Michael was older and bigger than her. He could easily push her or break her invention. She didn’t want to be held responsible for more damage.

As the boy was planning his retaliation, Cerys felt a presence behind her. Holtz raised an eyebrow at the two. Her presence was enough to make the boy uneasy, having been caught for his remarks. He walked back to his table and left the small girl alone.

 

“Will you try out my lie detector?”

 

//

 

As Jillian Holtzmann was about to walk through the large door that she’d so desperately wanted to do as a young child a voice called her.

“Jillian, a word.” Miss Broad’s firm tone managed to send shivers down her spine. She felt like she was 10 again. Being sternly reprimanded for something menial.

Jillian obeyed and followed the woman into her office. She placed her boxes carefully on the chair next to her, mirroring her childhood self.

 

“I know Cerys can be a handful at the best of times.” She began. Holtz screwed up her face. “But, it is to be noted that her behaviour has improved with your workshops.”

Jillian sat back confused at the sudden turn of the conversation. “The other children torment her.”

“We’re aware of that, if you’ll let me finish Jillian” Miss Broad continued. Although she wasn’t working at the children’s home at the time of Holtz’s residency, Miss Broad had the same authority and coldness as her caseworkers all those years ago.

“We were wondering if you would consider and have the capacity in order to run a private session with Cerys in your workshop. With our supervision. We’re hoping to give her a more controlled area with some more specialised supervision to stop the havoc she causes here.”

 

Holtzmann took a moment to contemplate what the woman had said.

“Would Cerys be okay with that?” Holtz contemplated, her voice filled with concern.

“She’s the one who asked about it.” Miss Broad sighed. “If it’s not possible she will get over it.”

“No, no, no.” Holtzmann replied quickly. “It’s very possible.”

 

//

 

Erin and Holtz spent all their free time removing any hazardous objects that could injure the girl. Holtzmann is known for requiring medical attention, predominantly from Erin, after an experiment backfires. As reckless as the blonde was, she wouldn’t ever put another person in danger.

 

Erin had never seen her be so careful. It honestly intimidated her and made her question why she didn’t stick to her organised methods in the first place. Perhaps she’d finally gotten through to her. Whilst Jillian was anxious to not have anything go wrong, Erin was excited at the idea that she’d finally be allowed to participate in one of her girlfriend’s child friendly workshops. As much as she forced herself to not intrude in the previous sessions, she’d missed working with her. She knew it was a personal matter, yes of course, but she’d hopped that the blonde considered her a safety net during those weeks.

 

The heavy knocks on the old firehouse door rand through the building. Erin answered the door. She was greeted by a slightly disgruntled woman who she presumed was the infamous Miss Broad that Holtzmann referred to as having the power to ‘scare adults shitless’. Erin thought she was exaggerating until now. The tall woman held copious amounts of paperwork in one hand and in the other, held the hand of Cerys. She looked at Erin with curiosity and wonder filling her eyes.

 

“You must be here for Holtz’s workshop” Erin tried to be enthusiastic, suddenly realising she was as awkward around children as she was with adults. She tried to ignore the stern looks Miss Broad was directing at Erin. She crouched down to Cerys. “I’m Erin, you must be Cerys. I’ve heard a lot about you” She offered the warmest smile she could.

 

Cerys looked to Miss Broad and back to Erin. “Do you know Holtzy?”

“Yes, she’s on the second floor.” Erin felt like she’d messed up already.

 

She lead the two up the stairs. Neither Erin nor Miss Broad could stop the small girl from running over to Holtzmann, who was in a world of her own. Cerys held out a little handmade card. Erin saw her carefully read through the card and thank Cerys. Erin was left with the task of sitting with Miss Broad.

 

“That’s… a lot of paperwork” Erin smiled awkwardly. She so desperately wanted to break the uneasy silence between the two.

“It’s confidential papers on various children’s adoption and foster programmes. So yes, this _is_ a lot of paper work.” Miss Broad explained coldly. Erin felt as if she was being patronised.

 

To avoid further conversation Erin walked over to the two quietly working on some contraption that appears to be non-lethal. Holtz immediately looks up at her and smiles warmly. Erin feels a wave of calmness wash over her.

 

“What are you two making?” Erin attempted to look over at the blue prints. She saw Holtzmann’s characteristic highly detailed notes along side some messy but understandable drawings from her littlest lab partner.

 

“We’re re-making my robot… it had an accident before” She looked to Holtz “But it’s going well” Cerys smiled to Erin.

“Erin? Could you help Cerys start designing how the robot will look whilst I solder these parts please?” She had that twinkle in her eye when she looked at Erin, she was in her prime.

 

Erin nodded and the two sat together at her desk. Erin asked her some questions relating to the look of her robot, unsure of how able Holtzmann would be at fulfilling the girls wishes. Erin still was unsure of how to act around children, she’d been an only child with very little friends for most of her life. This type of thing didn’t exactly come natural to her.

 

“Are you and Holtzy married?” Cerys asked curiously. Erin swore she heard Holtz laugh quietly.

“No honey we aren’t” Erin replied as she tried to hide a coy smile.

“Holtz said you were pretty. I think you’re a very pretty lady” Cerys continued to draw.

“Did she now.” She raised an eyebrow at Holtz who was clearly listening.

“Yes. You have a tiny bowtie.” Cerys examined her closely, she almost forgot Miss Broad was with them.

“Thank you, I’ve been told I always have a very tiny one.” Erin smiled. She leaned closer to Cerys and spoke in a hushed tone. “Do you want to draw something that’ll make Holtz really happy?”

Cerys’ smile turned into a big grin. She nodded her head.

 

As Holtz finished her soldering, Erin, with Cerys leading, walked back over to her work station. Cerys held out a piece of paper to Holtz with anticipation and a thumbs up from Erin.

“Erin said your pin board is boring and that you should have some art on it” Cerys smiled cheekily.   
Holtz observed the paper. A soft smile spread across her face. She quickly moved to the board and pinned it in the middle amongst the mass amounts of blue prints.

 

“Cerys.” Miss Broad called, slightly relieved. “Time to go. Say goodbye” She tugged on the girls arm.

 

Cerys wiggled free and hugged the two scientists

“Thank you. Can I come back next week too?” She looked to the pair

“Of course” Erin smiled down to her and looked to the social worker who nodded quietly.

 

Holtz and Erin saw them out.

 

That evening Erin brought Holtz her lavender tea before they finally headed to bed. She was looking intently at her pin board.

“Did you really think it was boring” Holtz smiled to Erin as she took the cup of hot tea from her girlfriend.

“It was very sweet of her to fix it for you.” Erin nudged Holtz gently.

 

They both sat there together in perfect silence looking at the picture of a blonde with crazy hair with an unspecified tool, a small girl with equally untamed hair with a small robot and finally a taller woman with neat brown hair surrounded by tiny bow ties.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'm a little rusty when it comes to fics so I hope you like it. If you would like to see something or have any requests please please please leave some in the comments :)


	3. Youth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dive into Holtzmann's Childhood and Erin finds Cerys   
> Tw: Drug use mention (Not graphic)

Before school, early on a Thursday morning, Cerys found herself in Miss Broad’s office. Her latest experiment which she decided to make an electric stapler had failed. Half of her fingers were covered in band-aids and her room was littered with staples.

 

“It’s lucky only yourself was hurt Cerys.” Miss Broad began, Cerys could feel the impending doom that was about to be unleashed onto her. “We tried to do something nice for you, to prevent this and Dr Holtzmann and Dr Gilbert kindly agreed and your behaviour is reckless.”

“It was reckless of Charlotte and Aaron to take my casing whilst I wasn’t looking!” Cerys shouted. “If they hadn’t done that then I wouldn’t have so many cuts on my fingers!” She looked directly at a slightly stunned Miss Broad.

“Their behaviour is another issue which will be discussed.” She replied firmly. “Cerys _your_ behaviour is a repeat offense, I appreciate that you have experienced unpleasantries from the other children but you put them at risk every time an experiment fails.”

“Holtzy would understand.” Cerys protested. “Hers don’t always work and she’s a scientist!”

“But Dr Holtzmann is also an engineer with more experience than you. Cerys I am not continuing this conversation, you won’t be attending Dr Holtzmann’s workshops this week.” Miss Broad stood and escorted the girl out. “Get your backpack for school please.”

Cerys began to protest. “No arguments.”

 

She sat quietly at her desk. Sketching her ideas for the next addition for her robot whilst her teacher wasn’t looking. Maybe the teacher was. Cerys didn’t care. Today was a write off. She didn’t mean for the experiment to go wrong. It wouldn’t have if the other kids left her alone.

 

At school, she didn’t talk much. She didn’t really feel like she could participate much in any of the work they gave her. It wasn’t that it didn’t make sense, it just didn’t go in right. She guessed that she really was stupid. Maybe that’s why her inventions and experiments didn’t go right. Maybe it wasn’t at the fault of the other kids, it was her.

 

Cerys snapped out of her daze when a paper ball hit her in the head. After she looked at the taunt she scrunched it up as hard as she could. Cerys didn’t bother to look back and try guess who threw it. It could be anybody, none of the kids were particularly creative with their taunts.

 

Seven hours, six classes and countless taunts from her classmates later. Cerys had enough. When a kid threw a pen at her head, she threw it back with vengeance. As the pen hit the young boy in the head, it earned Cerys a detention.

 

She didn’t mind. During the 30 minuets detention, she got a rare opportunity of being alone. She wasn’t harassed, it was tranquil, an odd respite in her life. She twiddled with the Band-Aids on her fingers that had started to peel away. She decided then and there that she wasn’t catching the detention bus back to the home.

 

//

 

Holtz’s latest experiment involving an improved trap hadn’t exactly gone smoothly. In fact, it had exhausted Holtz and Erin’s first aid kits to patch up the blonde. It took even longer to put out the fire that had singed Erin’s desk.

 

“Holtzmann! What just happened a few weeks ago?” Erin raised her brow at Holtz. “If you’re going to be handling anything, please put some gloves on. For my sake. Your cuts won’t have fully healed yet.” Erin looked concerned for the engineer, pretty sure she couldn’t feel any pain anymore due to the sheer amount of times she had previously injured herself.

 

Holtz playfully rolled her eyes “Allllllright then” and carefully slipped her gloves on for Erin.

 

“I’m still going out to get more first aid supplies for you and your future antics.” She sighed, she looked to the blonde who was already deeply engrossed with her work. A small smile appeared on her face as she left for the drug store.

 

The walk was pleasant enough, the cool wind felt like a blessing during the late summer heat in the city. She usually didn’t like to stop and take moments for herself, but with the forgiving breeze she walked slower than usual.

 

Band-Aids, bandages, sterile wipes, painkillers.

Band-Aids, bandages, sterile wipes, painkillers.

Band-Aids, bandages, sterile wipes, painkillers.

 

Erin’s anxious mind almost tauntingly repeated her shopping list to her. She didn’t take long in the store, she had become immensely sufficient at what Holtz had once referred to as ‘speed shopping’.  She wished Holtz was here, she’d feel more at ease. Erin just wanted to get back to the fire house.

 

She felt a tug on her sleeve, snapping her out of her daze.

“Erin…” The small girl said tearfully. A chill went down Erin’s spine, she froze instantly. She looked down to the small girl on the verge of tears.

“Cerys? Are you with anyone?” Erin’s fear set in. She quickly knelt down to the girl’s level and looked around for anyone who looked remotely associated with the girl.

“I came to see you and Holtz after school because I’m not allowed any workshops this week.” Cerys’ tears were free flowing now. Her eyes widened as she struggled to make eye contact with Erin.

“Hey, hey, hey” Erin cooed. “Don’t cry” She felt way out on her depth. She caught a few of Cerys tears and wiped them away. “Let’s walk you home.”

“No.” Cerys exclaimed, taking Erin by surprise. “I don’t want to go home. I’ll be in so much trouble and I’ll never be allowed to have another workshop.” Her angry tears felt warm on her now pink cheeks. She realised her raised voice had shocked Erin but the fear had taken over by now. She realised what she’d be losing.

“Cerys if you don’t go home now you’ll be in even worse trouble.” Erin replied slightly more firmly than she had intended. “You’re shivering… come here” She wrapped her scarf around the girl before offering her hand.

 

The girl took Erin’s hand and walked with her in silence back to the home. Erin’s attempts at conversation fell flat on the girl. She felt too ashamed at her outburst to talk to Erin. She didn’t understand why she was still trying to talk to her.

“You know Holtz used to live in the same home as you?” Erin smiled warmly down to her, determined to keep a conversation.

“Was she ever adopted?” Cerys kept her head low but looked to Erin.

A shiver travelled down Erin’s spine. She dropped her tone lower and quieter into a solemn state “No she didn’t”

“Do you think I’ll ever get adopted” She said it quickly, fear setting in.

“Of course. Of course you will.”

“What if they won’t let me invent things.”

“I’m sure you’ll always be welcome at Holtz’s work bench.”

“Why did she end up at the home”

Erin felt a cold rush come over her. She didn’t actually know. Jillian never discussed it with her, always avoided.

After some time Erin replied, carefully. “I don’t know.”

They fell silent until they reached the gates.

 

Erin knelt down and gently took back her scarf. Cerys fronted a weak smile, knowing she was in for a lecture the moment she walked through that door. “Thank you for walking me home.”  
She smoothed the girls hair back down gently. “Now go, or you’ll be in even more trouble.”

 

//

 

_23 years prior._

_They loved her. Of course, they loved her._

_They’d care for her. Her drawings were pinned up on their fridge in the small, run down apartment. She doesn’t remember where or when it began. Maybe it had always been present. Perhaps she became more aware of the scale of the problems with age. Potentially she didn’t understand at the time._

_They cared for her. They loved her._

_I think._

_They always thought she had gone to bed. They’d shoot up and forget she was there. She’d hold her mother’s hair back as she threw up. She removed the needles as her father lost consciousness. She’d put a bandage on their injection points._

_It_

_All_

_Became_

_A bit_

_Much_

_She didn’t remember who reported it. She couldn’t remember if she had let slip of her home life. Or said something concerning without realising it wasn’t normal. Maybe it was a time she was frantically crying when her mother became unresponsive. Maybe it was the time when she answered the door one late night._

_At the start, they fought for her. The desperation in their voices as they were taken away. She could only look at them blankly. Frozen._

_They_

_Weren’t_

_Bad_

_People_

_She’d repeat it to herself._

_They’ll_

_Come_

_Back_

_They wont._

_Her case changed from foster to adoption._

_“Do you know what the difference is Jillian?” Miss Kingsley gently asked the girl. Was she crying? As she touched her cheeks they felt dry. She felt hot, scared and confused. She shook her head. “It means that parental rights have been forfeited. Meaning a new family can adopt and take care of you.” She smiled sympathetically at the girl._

_She wasn’t quite the same after that._

_No_

_Visiting_

_For_

_Jillian_

_They didn’t love her. They didn’t come back. They didn’t visit. No birthday cards. No family. No more pictures on the fridge. No more small apartment._

_She ran out._

_//_

She didn’t remember how her and Erin sat opposite each other. With Erin carefully applying various band-aids to Jillian’s minor cuts from her creation process. Erin dabbed away the tears that trickled down her face. She didn’t leave. She didn’t pretend to feel her emotions.

 

She quietly cared for her.

 

Like she had done for her parents all those years ago.


	4. Glasses

 

As Cerys entered the home, she didn’t feel fearful for what was about to happen. She felt warm from Erin’s scarf and being looked after. She felt grateful Erin didn’t lecture her. Did she worry about her? Cerys wasn’t sure. She was just doing the right thing. If she had even made it to the firehouse, Holtz would have sent her home too. To the home.  Sent her back to the home.

 

Maybe they’d have all walked together. Maybe she’d have worried Holtz, knowing this would all happen and how much trouble she would be in. Maybe it would have made her sad, coming here not to run a class or something.  All Cerys knew is that when she went through the gates and up to the door Erin waited to make sure she got in safely.

 

She tried to creep past the front desk unnoticed but she wasn’t exactly the stealthiest person in the world, her balance wasn’t great either so when she was met with an uneven floorboard, she tripped and fell.

 

“Cerys. Where were you.” Miss Broad stood above her, she commented in a stern tone. Cerys wasn’t sure if it was a question the woman really wanted an answer to. Sometimes grown ups didn’t want answers to their questions.

 

“School?” The girl stood back on her feet edging away slowly. “I had to stay afterschool to finish my work.” She lied.

“Were you wearing your glasses today?” Miss Broad continued to look unimpressed.

“No because no one else has to wear purple glasses.” Cerys continued in her cautious tone. She knew she could easily make all of this worse for herself.

“Jillian wears yellow glasses Cerys” Miss Broad took a more sympathetic tone towards the girl as she crouched down to her level. She was a very pointy woman. In the sense, you could see all of her sharp edges in her elbows and knees. She could be nice, she did look after all the children. She was just no nonsense.

 

“Holtz’s look cool.” Cerys sighed. “Mine don’t look that nice.”

“It’s not about them looking nice Cerys. It’s to stop you from getting headaches and helps you read better. Do you understand that?”

Cerys nodded. Some of the warmth she felt from the walk home was replaced with some fear at this point but she refused to let it fade.

“Okay. Well, for now, you can go work on your homework in your room.” Miss Broad stood up again. “And please Cerys, wear your glasses.”

 

She scampered away.

 

Cerys sat at her cluttered desk. She placed her stack of encyclopaedias behind the door to avoid the other kids running in and ruining her work. Her homework was easy for her. Simple math problems that she was far beyond at this point.

 

She missed seeing the two engineers. Even if it was only a few days until her next workshop with the two. She checked her mirror to see if Erin was still there. She’d already left. She didn’t really know what to expect. She had to get home anyway, it was cold. Erin had gone out of her way to walk her back to here. Anyone would have done that probably.

 

It didn’t stop the girl from making Erin a thank you card using her best colouring pencils.

 

She hoped she liked it.

 

//

 

One of the new caseworkers work Cerys up that Saturday. She couldn’t quite pronounce Cerys name and Cerys didn’t feel like learning her name. She wasn’t very good, she was too chirpy and tried too hard to be everyone’s friend. However, it was quite entertaining to watch Miss Broad get frustrated with her.

 

“Carrie, Miss Broad 10 minutes until you have to leave for your workshop.” The new caseworker explained.

“Cerys.”

The woman left her alone. She felt slightly bad for her, she didn’t mean to make her feel bad.

 

She got dressed carefully in a pair of patched up dungarees and a slightly too big white t-shirt and got ready to go. Card safely in her backpack.

This week Miss Broad couldn’t stay. She had to prepare another child’s papers for that afternoon. Cerys didn’t mind to say the least. She was just pleased that Miss Broad had given in and allowed her to come.

 

As much as she wanted to wear her glasses when she walked into the firehouse, she couldn’t quite do it. She settled for having them perched on her head so she could pretend they were sunglasses. Cerys couldn’t quite decide if she wanted to be open about needing them yet. It might scare them off and make them not want her there. Too much responsibility and they may just think it’s for Holtz’s attention.

 

Miss Broad knocked on the heavy door with Cerys still in hand. She quickly fiddled with the glasses on her head, wondering if it really was such a good idea. The door opened revealing Jillian Holtzmann, with a welcoming smile.

 

“Good morning Jillian.” Miss Broad said politely. “I’m afraid I can’t stay for today’s session I’ve got a foster family coming today, but I’ll be back at the usual time to collect Cerys from you.” She looked slightly flustered. She kept checking her watch.

 

“That’s fine, I’m sure we’ll manage.” Holtz extended her hand for Cerys who happily accepted. They waved her goodbye together.

 

“Erin!” Holtz called. “Our tiny scientist is here.”  Cerys giggled, still holding Holtz’s hand.

“I also have a card for her.” Cerys showed Holtz

“She also has a card for youuuu” Holtz continued comically calling her girlfriend.

Erin quickly rushed down the stairs to see Cerys who already had started to make a B-line for the scientist, dragging Holtz with her.

 

“I made you a card” Cerys held the folded paper out to Erin.

“I heard” Erin looked to Holtz, teasingly disapproving. They sat on the stairs together as Holtz went up to set up the work bench for them.

 

The card had a drawing of Cerys and Erin walking hand in hand. The Cerys figure had a disproportionately large scarf wrapped around her.

 _‘To Erin,_  
Thank you for waking me hom and keping me warm  
Love,  
Cerys xxxxxxxxxx’ 

Each ‘x’ was messy, oversized and perfect. Cerys kept her eyes fixated on Erin with anticipation. Erin playfully tapped the girls nose and smiled down to her. “I love it, thank you Cerys.” She really did. She never expected anything like this. “Did you get into a lot of trouble because of me?” her tone shifted, she remembered lingering outside. She wanted to make sure she was safely inside before leaving. She wished someone had done that for her.

 

“No, I got out of it.” Cerys looked sheepish, knowing she’d just backed herself into a corner.

“You really shouldn’t lie about where you were Cerys. If that were me, I’d be worried sick.” Erin frowned.

“I’m sorry.” Cerys paused, she looked down at her shoes. “Why would anyone be worried?”

 

It was times like these Erin really wished Holtz was here to say the right thing. Erin, care and try as she might, will never fully understand what Cerys is going through. She understood bad parents, shitty parents. Not no parents at all. She couldn’t just say ‘hold on let me go get Holtzmann, because I don’t understand what it’s like to have no parents’ can she? Erin’s mind started racing. Thinking of worst case scenarios, she wished she’d never thought of.

“Because, Holtz and I would be distraught if anything bad happened to you. Even if you just fell over and grazed your knee on the way over.” Erin held the girl’s hands, making her make eye contact. “Please don’t walk off alone again. I’m sure even Miss Broad was worried.”

“Okay” Cerys replied quietly, “Sorry Erin.”

“It’s okay,” Erin sighed, a relieved smile spread across her face. “Let’s go see what Holtz has planned for you.”   
Cerys held Erin’s hand again, she liked how she cared, even about her card. She did work hard on it, it took her forever to remember the pattern on Erin’s scarf. She did remember how soft it was… but she couldn’t exactly draw that easily.

 

Cerys enthusiastically ran to her stool next to Holtz the moment they caught each other’s eyes.

“I’ll be grading papers if you need me.” Erin looked to Holtz. She knows she’d be fine, but she did like seeing what they’d made that day.

 

“I like your glasses Cerys” Holtz smiled. She knew exactly what they were for. Dyslexia. She had the type that came with scotopic sensitivity, meaning her eyes became sensitive to light. Just like Jillian.

“I don’t like them.” Cerys swayed side to side on her stool, looking to the ground.   
“Why not? I really like the purple, and, it’s light enough that we can still see your pretty eyes.” Holtz tried to make eye contact but realised it would be futile when the girl was upset.   
“I don’t like the shape. It makes me look weird.” Cerys almost whined. She knew she shouldn’t; she should be on her best behaviour, but when she was upset, she couldn’t quite help it.  
Jillian looked at her for a moment, she remembered that feeling painfully well. “Do you like the shape of mine?” She finally spoke, unsure where she’d go from here. Cerys finally looked at her. She examined Holtz carefully.  
“I like the shape of yours… do you think it would look good on me?” Cerys broke eye contact again. Filled with doubt. Holtz took off her glasses and carefully placed them on Cerys. They were very big on her but that didn’t matter.   
“Yep, just as I thought, they look better on you than they do for me.” Holtz smiled She looked very cute in them. “Instead of making the shell today, shall we make you some new frames you’d be happy with?” Holtz took back her frames and allowed her eyes to adjust again. Cerys eyes lit up.  
“Can I help design them?”

 

Holtz measured her current frames and tried to figure out what Cerys didn’t like about her glasses specifically. Cerys designed very large circular glasses for herself, which would have looked good. Holtz and the tiny scientist set about creating a frame that both suited her face and her design. As Cerys screwed the arm of the frame on she suddenly stopped.  
“Holtzy, how did you end up in the home?”

She froze. She knew kids could be direct and this was coming, inevitably, Erin told her that she’d asked when she walked her home. She was going to have to answer it eventually.   
“Well, Cerys, my mom and dad weren’t well enough to take care of me and you know sometimes… I had to care for them.” This was going to be harder than expected. How can you explain traumatic events to a child without traumatising them? “And I shouldn’t have had to do that.”

“We’re they dying of something?” Cerys asked innocently. Holtz knew she meant no harm with her questions but they were difficult to answer nonetheless.  
“No they had an addiction which made them sick… do you understand?” Holtz looked to Cerys. She nodded slowly. She knew what that was. Some people drink too much and that’s an addiction. They probably drank a lot.   
“Are they dead?”

Holtz shrugged, she avoided eye contact. “I’m not sure. I just know that my status changed from foster to adoption.”  
“Mines on adoption. My parents aren’t coming back.” Cerys looked back at the glasses. She said it so casually it took Holtz by surprise. “They cared about each other just not me. They kinda forgot.” She shrugged. “I don’t remember them.” Cerys popped her lenses out of her old frame and handed them to Holtz.   
“I’m sorry Cerys” Holtz, still taken back by the girl being seemingly unaffected by her parent’s negligence.  
“You didn’t get new parents. Do you think I will?” Cerys looked to Holtz, face filled with concern. She had the same look as Erin when she was anxious. Holtz reached out for Cerys hands. She hunched as small as she could to meet the girls eye level and held her hands close to her.  
“You are caring, kind, creative and smart Cerys, anyone would be lucky to have you. I promise.” She felt dirty. This scenario happened hundreds of times when she was Cerys age. She repeated the same phrase to Cerys, although true, felt empty. Telling the young parentless child that she’ll have a family even though that cannot be guaranteed? She hopped Cerys didn’t end up in the same way as her. She looked more at ease. Holtz could see her mind was still going a million miles an hour. Cerys picked up her frames.   
“How do I look?” Cerys face held anticipation and her cheeky smile.  
“Very cute, let me mould the lenses to fit.”   
Holtz set about warming the lenses to re-shape them. Cerys reached for a test tube only to look at. She wondered what experiments had been conducted using the tube. As she set it down on the table to look at other sciencey equipment the test tube began to roll. She tried to catch it but

 

_Smash_

 

Cerys jumped down to try pick it up. Hoping it wouldn’t be broken. Holtz turned quickly and to her horror saw Cerys trying to pick up the broken glass.

“Cerys! No no no no no-“Holtz came up behind her. The girl froze suddenly. Cerys slowly turned holding her bloody finger. Her eyes were fixated on the blood and the shard of glass protruding from her finger.

 

_Shit. Shitty shitty shit shit._

Holtz felt herself panic seeing Cerys injured. Everything she had done wrong flashed through her head. Almost instinctively, she scooped the girl up, trying to not knock the injured finger. She pushed the broken test tube away with her foot, she felt Cerys cling to her. Holtz ran her fingers through Cerys hair with her free hand to try sooth her. “It’s okay baby. It doesn’t look deep.” Holtz comforted her quietly. She walked over to Erin’s door and knocked gently.  
“Erin? Could you come out and bring your first aid kit please?” Holtz anticipated her anxious girlfriend springing out of her tiny office. As Erin sprung out, her eyes wide and anticipating the worst. She was greeted with Holtz’s soft, sympathetic smile and a tiny brown haired girl in her arms. Head buried into Holtz’s shoulder and neck. Erin mirrored her girlfriend’s sympathetic smile as she saw Cerys.    
They walked back over to the work bench. Cerys perched on Holtz’s lap, leaning heavily into her. Erin sat facing the two.   
“Let’s see the damage.” Erin tried to make Cerys feel more at ease, her face was riddled with anxiety. Erin felt the same on the inside, seeing Cerys hurt put the fear of god into her; even if it was minor, her brain told her it could have been more.

Holtz sat calm, arm around Cerys. She gently reassured Cerys to let Erin look at her finger. The girl extended it towards Erin, who carefully examined it.   
“That’s not too bad. I can take it out for you.” Erin turned to her medical box. She tried to keep her tone as upbeat as she could for Cerys’ sake.   
“Will I need stitches?” Cerys squirmed. Holtz felt her tense, she slowly rubbed her thumb over the girl’s shoulder in attempts to calm her.   
“No, no. It’s not that deep.”  
“Will it hurt?”  
“Only for a second.”

Erin cleaned around the wound. Cerys sported a brave face through all of it, until Erin brought out the tweezers. Cerys’ eyes grew wide, she buried her face into Holtz’s chest. She felt like she was being a baby, she usually sucked it up and dealt with her injuries. She trusted Erin to take it out safely, she knew she wouldn’t hurt her. She felt Holtz wrap her other arm around her, it felt comforting. She liked being held by her, it felt like she was loved. She didn’t really have anyone who’d care for her like this. Miss Broad and the others looked after her and cared for her… but they didn’t hold her when she was scared, tell her it will be alright, wait to see if she made it inside safe.   
  
“Hey” Holtz quietly mumbled to her. “The glass is out, you’re okay.”   
Cerys looked to Holtz, then to Erin, who was digging through her first aid kit. She observed her finger. It was still bleeding but Holtz and Erin were right, it wasn’t that bad.   
“Spaceships or aliens?” Erin turned to look at the little girl in her girlfriend’s arms.   
“Spaceships” Cerys’ eyes lit up. Erin looked to Holtz, who was smiling down at the girl. She held out her hand for Cerys’ finger and gently applied the band-aid. She inspected Erin’s handy work intensely, making both Holtz and Erin laugh slightly.   
“Thank you, Erin,” Cerys put her other arm around Holtz again. She looked so small. She looked so relaxed.

 

Holtz was definitely her person. Erin wished she had a camera to immortalise this moment forever. She knew Holtz’s family was just her. She expected Holtz to be more disconnected, to ignore her past, but she was affectionate, caring. She knew exactly what to do. She remembered her fear of Cerys being injured by Holtz’s recklessness. Erin felt silly now, doubting her girlfriends caring nature. She looked after Cerys. They both did. For a moment, it felt like they were a real family. It felt like their future.

 

Holtz and Cerys extended an arm to Erin, inviting her to join. Erin slightly awkwardly, scooted herself over. As soon as she was in reaching distance, Cerys wrapped an arm around her. Keeping her close. Erin draped an arm around Cerys and Holtz, she rested her head on Jillian’s shoulder. She allowed herself to take in the moment.

 

Erin had a family, but it wasn’t the most loving environment. When the ghost was in her room, they didn’t believe her, instead they mirrored the taunts her classmates relentlessly chimed at her, day in day out. Sympathy wasn’t one of her parent’s areas of expertise. When she got a bad grade, they’d isolate her. Barely acknowledge her until the grade improved. As long as she was considered intelligent, she’d have an easier time. Good grades removed one more pile of ammo. She stayed quiet around them.

 

Erin wanted to be anything but them. She’d make mistakes, obviously, but she’d never be them. Perhaps she had gotten ahead of herself, Holtz may still feel too inexperienced to care for a child, she may feel like because of her own parents she can’t do it. Erin may not understand how to be affectionate and care for a girl like Cerys in the best way possible. She may not be enough for her. Maybe Cerys didn’t want her. She may just want her real parents, or just Holtz. She did love Holtz. If she wanted just Holtz what would she do?

 

She felt Holtz slowly tighten her grip and kiss her temple. In that moment, she knew what she wanted. They knew that they were together for the long haul. She looked down to Cerys, still nestled into Holtz’s chest. The girl slowly opened her eyes and smiled sweetly to Erin with her big blue eyes.   
“Can I show Erin my new glasses.” Cerys whispered loudly to Holtz. Her lack of subtlety mad the two scientists smile. Holtz nodded as Cerys slid out of their arms and to the other side of the work bench to collect her glasses.   
“Close your eyes. Both of you” Cerys announced. The two obeyed, covering their eyes with their hands. “No peaking.”  
Cerys shuffled in front of the two. “Okay, open!” She giggled, she felt slightly anxious in anticipation of them hating how they looked.   
  
She looked just like a mini Holtz. The glasses looked adorable on her, Cerys looked happier.

 

Erin saw herself in Cerys, she had similar mannerisms and body language to her. Even when seemingly relaxed her body language remained tense and closed. Hands usually touching part of herself for comfort, her shirt collar, her own neck. All similar anxious behaviours Erin used to do. The only time she looked truly relaxed in herself was when she was buried between the two of them; she forgot herself. She remembered how tight Cerys hugged Erin. She didn’t want to let go, it was like it was a rarity. Erin remembered how she used to fight for her own parent’s affection when she was Cerys’ age, only to be met with indifference.

 

“You look wonderful, Cerys.” Erin gave a soft smile, “You and Holtz did a good job.” She felt Holtz nudge her slightly as a thank you.

 

For the remaining hour, the three worked on the shell of Cerys robot. Holtz soldering as Cerys and Erin screwed parts of the body together. The grading of her student’s papers could wait one more hour. Besides, it wasn’t everyday she got to do this. As time passed, along with several songs from Holtz’s mix, the loud echoing knock on the door finally came.

 

Cerys froze, flushed with sadness. The downside to these workshops was that after each session, Cerys wanted to go home less and less. Holtz and Erin didn’t want her to leave either. But each time, like clockwork, Miss Broad stood in the door way.

 

She looked cheery.   
“Has she behaved?” Miss Broad’s slightly more chipper tone threw the three of them slightly.   
“She was perfect.” Erin chimed in quickly. Cerys stood close to the two of them.  
“I got new frames” Cerys said proudly. “Me and Holtz made them.”  
“Holtz and I” Miss Broad corrected. “I’m glad you like them, they suit you.” She looked to Holtz. “Cerys, say goodbye, I have work to do.”

 

Cerys quietly said her goodbyes. Holtz ruffled her hair and Erin smoothed it back down.

 

The moment she left, you could feel her absence. She had an impact. Holtz went up to clean the work bench, Erin followed. The two tidied in silence. They missed her. Holtz visibly felt the absence, she couldn’t focus on anything. Her cleaning, admittedly, sloppy most of the time, was as if she didn’t even try. Erin on the other hand, didn’t make an attempt.

 

“I just hate sending her back. She looked so sad.” Holtz finally sighed.   
Erin hesitated with her response, she held Holtz in her arms for a moment. “I wish we didn’t have to send her back.” Erin finally replied, she tensed, realising what she’d just said. She looked to Holtz, panicked, attempting to gauge a response.   
Holtz held her tighter, “She loves you, you’d be a good mom.”  
“So would you… you’re her person.”

  

**Author's Note:**

> As I said, I did find my planned structure for this work so if you'd like more of this i'd be happy to finish it for anyone who's interested and continue posting. I'm not on tumblr or anything anymore so I guess leave me a comment here for what you'd like to see or any feedback.


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